Snacks

This week's Snacks come from Allyson Schwab: Played college softball at Virginia Tech. Wife to UNI head coach Doug Schwab, and mother to a pair of high school boys—both of whom won Iowa state titles this past season. One also made the 2024 U17 World Team and won a Fargo national title. Allyson runs a photography business and is a respected voice on social media within the wrestling community. She offers a unique perspective on the sport, given her close proximity to top athletes, high-level coaches, and some of the greatest minds in wrestling.

Below are some excerpts from our conversation, along with key takeaways and tips that can be applied to improve yourself as a Coach, Athlete, or wrestling Parent.

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Origin Story Tip: Fully appreciating the sport of wrestling can take time. It often comes as you get more deeply involved—when you start to witness the discipline, sacrifice, and intensity it demands. Sometimes, the real connection forms when you begin to understand just how all-encompassing the lifestyle truly is.

"So really, the beginning was when I was maybe in middle school. I used to work the state tournament with a friend—her dad was a referee. We would put together the programs and work as tappers and runners. I did that every year and enjoyed it.

Of course, we were teenage girls too, so we got to meet people from other schools. We just enjoyed the sport. It really wasn’t until I was in college that I got more involved. I had watched some wrestling in high school—our high school wrestlers, when we were friends with them.

But in college, I started really paying attention. That’s when I met Doug and we started dating. That’s when I began to understand more. So I would say I was exposed to the sport at a younger age, but I didn’t really fall in love with it until college or after...

Being an athlete myself, I had an appreciation for people willing to really put themselves out there. Wrestling is like no other.

It affects every part of your life—from your diet to your daily routine. I played softball, and there just wasn’t a comparison in that aspect. I wasn’t having to make weight or say no to things because I had a game coming up.

For example, I wasn’t avoiding food at Thanksgiving or having to change my routine a lot. I just really appreciated the work they put in. I found it exciting, and it didn’t feel weird to me.

I definitely think, as I got into it, there were moments where I thought, "Oh my gosh, that’s such a wrestling thing." But outside of that, I appreciated the effort, the sacrifices they made, and the discipline they had.

As someone who played sports, that’s what I really appreciated."

Parent Tip: Emphasize effort, attitude, and composure over wins and losses. When your love and pride aren’t performance-based, you give your kid the freedom to grow, fail, and stay in the sport longer. Don’t let it be all about wrestling—surround it with fun and family time. If their only experience is weigh-ins, trophies, and long car rides, they’ll eventually want out. Make time to laugh, explore, and make memories together on the road.

"Well, the biggest thing I would say is not putting their worth into their results—not finding their worth in their results. From a young age, we really focused on attitude, effort—the things that are within your control. You can't control the ref. You can't control your opponent. You can only control your attitude, your effort, how you're training, and your composure.

We really worked on that from a young age. We used to have basement battles, we called them, and I would use Periscope on Twitter and live stream the boys just beating the crap out of each other in the basement. They had no idea what they were doing. Doug never stepped in to teach technique or anything—he just let them wrestle. As long as it didn’t turn into a fist fight, he would let it go on.

We really tried to make sure they knew our love for them had nothing to do with the results they put out. I think that's a really important thing. Do we want our kids to win? For sure. What parent doesn’t? But it takes effort. People think, “Oh, you just don’t say anything,” but there have been plenty of times where I bit my tongue or thought, “I should’ve said that better,” or “I shouldn’t have asked him about that.”

For the most part, I try to look at it like: if I’m mad at a tournament, why am I mad? Am I mad because he lost? Because he gave up? Or am I mad because he lost and now he’s not number one today—and somehow that reflects back on me? That’s not true, obviously. But I think sometimes we feel like it does. Like it has something to do with us.

When we make it about that too much, that’s when you're going to see a lot of issues. You’ll see people get burned out and not want to be around. And your relationship with your child is really going to suffer...

One of the things I think is important, too, is that it’s not just wrestling-based. When we go somewhere, we try to do something different. I’m at a different stage with the boys now because they’re in a phase where, when they’re competing, they’re locked in. They don’t want to go do something else until the tournament is over.

But when they were little—did they swim before they wrestled? Probably not. But did we make sure they got some swimming in before we left the hotel? For sure. Did we go find a yard game to play outside or let them go explore something nearby? Yes. Like, “Hey, let’s go check this out on our way home—it’s close, and we can do something as a family.”

I’m pretty sure I first heard that from David Taylor. I think he said that when he was a kid, his dad used to do that. They didn’t just go to wrestling tournaments—they tried to find something else nearby to do as well. That was something I thought was a great idea."

Coaching Tip: Build real relationships, not transactional ones. When athletes feel valued beyond just their results, they’re more likely to stay committed, open up, and grow. Be honest, share your own struggles, and create a space where failure isn’t feared—it’s part of the process.

"Well, the biggest thing for me—now that my kids are getting older and I’m paying more attention—is that I don’t want coaches who are transactional. I don’t want a coach whose only conversations with my kid are about results...

We really try to emphasize that results aren’t everything. Results give us feedback—then we make adjustments. But I believe the most valuable coaches are the ones who build real relationships with their athletes.

A great coach is transparent, gives both grace and truth, and builds trust so that a kid is willing to work for them. Of course, it has to be a safe relationship—nothing imbalanced in terms of power or influence.

It’s important that coaches aren’t transactional. Kids can tell when a coach only pays attention to them when they’re winning. That’s very different from a coach who notices and values the kid who puts in extra work.

Coaches don’t need a bunch of accolades. I don’t think that’s what matters. This sport can be learned. Being a college wrestler or an All-American is incredibly difficult—D1, D2, D3, it’s all tough.

But what matters is honesty and vulnerability. If a coach can share their struggles and tell their story, kids will be more likely to share how they’re feeling, what they’re struggling with, and give real feedback.

That builds stronger relationships. When athletes struggle, they won’t shut down. They’ll be able to talk through it. They won’t feel like they have to be perfect.

So relationships are key. Not being transactional. Coaches being vulnerable and showing that they’ve failed too—and that failure isn’t a bad thing.

That’s something we’ve really emphasized with our kids: struggle is good. We even have a sign that says, “Love to fail.” That doesn’t mean love to lose—it means you went all in, and even if you failed, you gave it everything.

Doug was talking this week about chasing the losses. Our son took a pretty big loss this weekend to a great kid. You’ve only got two options in those moments: let it scare you, or let it inspire you.

That’s why it’s important to have a coach who isn’t only full of praise when you’re winning—because that won’t always be the case. We’ve had kids come to college who haven’t lost much and then have no idea how to respond when they do."

Athlete Tip: Truth be told, it’s not always fun. You’ve got to get used to not always getting the results you want—and develop a resilient mindset that keeps going back to the drawing board. You don’t need to be a selfish person, but you do need to be selfish with your time—how you spend it, what you put in your body, and who you surround yourself with. Successful athletes are disciplined in this... Oh, and yeah—you’ve got to be a little crazy 😉

"I think the biggest thing is that you’ve got to get used to not getting what you want, probably. It's not always fun. I think once you get to a certain age, there are going to be just absolute grinds of practices. You can still find joy in the practice, but there are going to be times where maybe you're making weight or doing an extra workout—whatever it is—it's not always going to be fun.

And I think sometimes, because we're sold that when we're little—“Well, it's fun, it's fine”—when it's not fun, all of a sudden, people are like, “Wait a second, this isn't fun anymore.” So working them through that, I think, is a big thing. But you have to be very persistent in your goal setting. And you have to be very disciplined and consistent in your work ethic.

On the days that you don't want to do it, you're still showing up and doing it. And you have to be—probably, even though I hate to say it—a little bit selfish. Especially with your time and how you manage it. It doesn't have to mean that you're selfish, like, “Oh, I'm the only one taking the reps,” but it means, “Hey, I need to get this extra workout in, so I'm going to have to sacrifice my time from something else.”

I haven't met a really high-caliber athlete that isn't selfish about their time—or what they're putting in their body—or any of that. So I think also who you surround yourself with... If you surround yourself with like-minded people who are goal-driven and they see past high school because that’s what you want to do—or they see past college because you want to compete internationally—I think that makes a big difference.

If you're around kids that only want to do the minimum or don’t want to go to practice or do the extra work, and you're the only one who does. That makes it harder. So finding people that are going to push you when you're having an off day or hold you accountable... 

That's something we've always said to our kids. “Look, we will wait for you to come and say, ‘I want to do this.’” But the minute that you say, “Hey, this is my goal. This is what I want to do,” now you've told us. “I want you to hold me accountable to that.” So you can't be mad when I say, “Hey, have you done extra work? Have you done this?” I think that's really important. 

And honestly, probably a little bit crazy. Just a little. You kind of have to be. You guys are all a little crazy. I'm not gonna lie."

Negative Impact Tip: If your child dreads the car ride home, something’s off. Constant criticism, misplaced blame, or feedback given in emotional moments can damage your relationship and their connection to the sport. Be the safe place—not the pressure point. Let them process, then talk. And when in doubt, just tell them you love watching them wrestle.

"Well, I think that where you take your kids matters. If you have a club that feels like a family, then they're going to excel a lot more. Because they have that support. They feel like you're invested.

And it's not just you—it's your kids' friends, their parents. I know my kids can go to a tournament, and if I can't make it, I know they’re going to be taken care of. If they forget their money or lose something, someone’s picking them up. I do the same for other people’s kids.

I think who they’re exposed to and the type of environment they're in is huge. You can tell if your kid is thriving or not. Another thing is, I think throwing kids into competition too soon is a big negative.

We had our kids do 20 practices between each competition their first year. They couldn't just do five practices and compete every weekend—we needed them to fall in love with practice. Did they fall in love with it? Maybe not exactly. But we told them: you're going to spend more time in practice than in competition, so you need to be comfortable there.

You need to learn that it's not going to be: "Oh, I want to compete this weekend, so I'm going to." There might be long gaps between competitions. You have to be okay in the room. You’ve got to find fun in the room or enjoy your teammates. Maybe sometimes the fun part is just the dodgeball game before it starts.

I would say another big thing is parents checking themselves—being aware of what they say. When you get in the car, you don't want your kid to dread the ride home. I always equate it to my own experience. When I came off the field, I knew my dad wanted to go over my pitching, and I wasn’t ready.

He wasn't rough—he was my pitching coach too—but sometimes I just didn’t know how to say I needed a moment. Doug does a really good job of knowing which of our kids he can give immediate feedback to and which one needs a minute to gather themselves first.

If you're trying to give feedback and they’re not ready to receive it—or you’re both emotional—then that’s when strain happens. You stop being the safe place. Instead of saying, “I just love watching you,” you start nitpicking—and they avoid you.

I’ve seen it. I’ve seen kids literally say, “Yeah, I’ll ride with someone else.” Or they act completely different when their parents aren't there. I didn’t want that to be the impact I had on my kids.

Another thing we watch for is where they place blame. Kids and parents saying, “That ref sucked.” Okay, but you could have scored. You could have taken more shots.

So we try to teach: that's on me. I can’t control everything else, but I can control what I do. Taking accountability and focusing on what you can control makes a difference.

Because if blame is always somewhere else, you're raising a kid who’s never going to take responsibility, never going to accept criticism. They’ll just move from place to place and never find that feeling of home."

Wrestling Growth Tip: Wrestling will grow if the community stays open-minded. Change can be uncomfortable, but resisting it holds the sport back. Be willing to try new things, embrace new formats, welcome new people, and show up—at tournaments, duals, and local events. Growth happens when we show up, watch, and participate.

"Well, I think one thing is that we have to be open to change. I mean, I'm guilty of it as well. I think it's something that wrestling fans really struggle with—any sort of change, right? And then after a while, it’s like, okay, this isn't that bad.

Whether that’s a different company doing video, or a different bracketing site, we just tend to shut things down immediately, right? We tend to say, "Ah, that's not going to work," or, "Well, we tried that before." So I think that’s part of it.

Unfortunately, I think the biggest thing we're probably going to struggle with in wrestling—when it comes to growing the sport—is a little bit out of our hands, with everything happening around NIL and roster caps. That kind of stuff isn’t really in our control.

But we’ve got to be open to doing a few things differently. Just like Nationals, right? ESPN proved it. Everyone continued to watch for Hendrickson and Gable, and it lived up to the hype. But before that, everyone was like, “Oh my God, what are they doing? Why would they start with Parker and them?”

So it's about trusting some things and being willing to try them—and being willing to involve more people. You know, bringing new people into the sport and not making it feel like some exclusive kind of thing.

I think that's a big thing we have to keep working on. We have to understand that women's wrestling is going to help men's wrestling. Its growth only helps our sport overall, including the men's side.

We need to have a little grace there too, because they've grown so fast, and they're still catching up in certain areas. But it's still important that we support, that we show up, and things like that.

Really, overall, as fans, the best thing you can do is show up. Show up to your local college, your high school—especially colleges. That’s what they’re looking at. They're looking at numbers. Who’s coming? How many tickets are sold?

Yeah, you don’t want to say it’s about that—but it is. If you want us to continue doing this, or to look at other opportunities, you’ve got to show up for us. And it makes a difference to the athletes.

These athletes have worked their whole lives for it. They deserve to be shown up for."

Growth Bite

This week's Growth Bite comes from the book The One Thing by Gary Keller:

Success doesn’t come from doing everything—it comes from doing the right thing. When you focus your energy on the one thing that matters most right now, everything else becomes easier or unnecessary. Get clear on your biggest priority—and give it your full attention.

Community Treat

This week's Community Treat comes from Seth Gross and a fun clip he posted on YouTube about what Austin DeSanto said to him after their match at the U.S. Open. Just watch the first 50 seconds as he describes DeSanto’s raw emotions: